Perfectionist Paralysis

“What’s the worst that could happen if you fail?”

When a well-meaning friend or family member asked me this question in the past, they may as well have asked me what happens after we die. The veil that separated me from the great beyond—not death, but the equally void-like reality in which I took on a new challenge and failed—was fragile. I was terrified to investigate too closely for fear that it would tear and give way to a black tsunami of self doubt. I worked myself beyond my limits to avoid less than perfect results.

I was more concerned with not failing than with making progress which, funny enough, prevented me from making progress.

Anything less than perfect execution was failure. Got a B+ on a test? I had been lazy. Didn’t get that promotion? I was awful at my job. My partner wanted to break up? There was something horribly wrong with me.

All of this perfectionist-inspired, negative self-talk prohibited me from learning from my experiences. There was a cause and effect for everything that happened to me, but I failed to see the lessons. I saw them instead as hard truths revealed.

I’m thankful that I eventually became aware of the hamster wheel my mind had created. It’s not something that sparked to life in an instant; rather, it blossomed gradually. Maybe I had simply grown weary of beating myself up and decided to toss aside the bat.

I developed a growth mindset, became aware of my perfectionist paralysis, and created strategies to manage anxiety.

What is a growth mindset?

There are two mindsets: growth and fixed. In a growth mindset, skills and abilities can be learned, practiced, honed, and mastered. People can change. In a fixed mindset, nothing can change; everything that is always will be, including people.

When you adopt a growth mindset, the world and all of its possibilities unfold before you. Always wanted to learn the guitar? With a growth mindset, you’re aware that at first your strumming might sound like two cats fighting in an alley. But rather than be disappointed in yourself for not being a latent prodigy, you accept that your skills will accumulate with practice. 

In a fixed mindset, the world you know is the only world that will ever exist. If you do not already play the guitar, then it’s beyond your capabilities. Even if you were to practice, you tell yourself that you will never sound like Rodrigo y Gabriela, so why even try?

There it is: perfectionist paralysis.

How does perfectionism cause paralysis?

In How to be an Imperfectionist, Stephen Guise lays out in great detail how perfectionists tend to set their bar for success far too high and, when they fail to reach that bar, the result is binary. They have failed to meet every single unrealistic expectation and, therefore, their efforts accomplished nothing.

The truth is that failure does not accomplish nothing. It creates a lesson to be learned and yields data on the outcome of our efforts. The separation of our efforts from the resulting data should be clarified, as well. We have control over our actions, not the results. We have the power to give a task our best, most calculated effort; however, the result may not be what we expect. In that case, like good scientists, we may then examine the results and use that information to plan our next action.

By adopting this perspective, the paralysis spell can be broken. Got a B+ on a test? I had not given myself enough time to study, so next time I’d plan carefully. Didn’t get that promotion? I needed more experience and feedback to plan my career growth. My partner wanted to break up? It hurt, but if one partner is unhappy in a relationship, then it’s better to go separate ways.

Once I accepted the power I had been holding all along, it was easier to identify when anxiety reared its unwelcome head.

How do I deal with anxiety?

The most effective suggestion I have is to find a licensed therapist or councilor with whom you feel safe. One person’s strategies might not work for another, so to effectively manage your mental and emotional health, it’s best to work one-on-one with a trained, compassionate professional.

Here are my own strategies:

Journal. Thoughts can circle like a vicious whirlwind in my head until I pin them to paper. Sometimes the action of writing about whatever it is that’s causing my anxiety helps me organize and collect my thoughts, which leads to problem-solving, and eventually makes the problem manageable.

Maintain a routine. I used to cause myself anxiety by piling my plate much too high, feeding my incessant need to be overly productive. By following a routine, usually in the form of a daily (and reasonable) to-do list, I feel accomplished and productive without burning myself out.

Set boundaries. We can’t always take time off of work to give ourselves a break. Parents can’t very well shut out the needs of their children, and if you have roommates, you can’t kick them out when you desire to be alone. What we can do is set boundaries. Wherever you can squeeze it into your living space and schedule, create a pocket of existence dedicated just to you. Silence your phone, leave it in another room, and be with yourself for a time. Personally, I take an hour at night for light reading before I go to bed. It’s the only quiet time I have to relax undisturbed. Furthermore, communicate with your loved ones when your plate is too full, when you don’t feel like going out, or when you simply do not wish to do something. Staying true to yourself helps alleviate feelings of being torn between self-care and extrinsic demands—real or imagined.

Lowering or ceasing stimulant intake. I’ve been a coffee drinker for as long as I can remember. As much as I would love to indulge in the “No coffee no worky” sort of humor, I’m no stranger to our society’s normalizing of addiction, and stimulants are not to be glossed over for those prone to anxiety. I’ve lowered my intake significantly and now experience far less pressure in my chest at the mere thought of making a mistake.

Focus on action-based expectations. If you pave the way to your goals with reasonable actions rather than results, you are far more likely to accomplish them. For example, if you really want to finish that book you’ve had tucked away in your brain, set a goal that’s easy for you to achieve—let’s say that you can commit to writing 100 words per day. Your work doesn’t need to be perfect. You can feel miserable about your prose or story structure, but no matter what, write 100 words each day. Once your book is finished, you can backtrack and revise. Editing is part of the writing process, just as learning from our experience is part of the living process.

Be imperfectly perfect.

Think of the most beautiful sights in nature. Trees. Flowers. Clouds. Rain. None of these things are perfect in the way we tend to define perfection. Trees do not grow symmetrically, flower pedals are often uneven and discolored, clouds take on all kinds of shapes, and rain doesn’t fall in uniform fashion. If we can accept this beauty, we can accept our own.